Watering The Mustard Seed

The third chapter of Meir Munk’s book, Sparing the Rod, is called “The Right Way to be Strict.” Right off the bat, Munk warns teachers against being “too strict” as it invokes a student’s self-defense mechanism to the point that they will reject your goals on principle. Even if you are very strict with yourself, imposing that “virtue” on your students will only provoke them. 

Positive, affectionate strictness is the goal of the teacher. How can this be done? The example in the book showing how this is done is of a Rabbi who created a strong magnet of excellence in his presence. Of that Rabbi, Munk states, “[Rabbi] Dessler never expressed his demands….as demands. He simply explained. His explanation, however, was so convincing that the need for improvement—and self-improvement—was obvious. He spoke not of sinners but of sins. When he described the sanctity of a [command], his listeners wished only to race out and perform it.”

We want the child to feel the desire to be good on his own. “One who looks inward and disciplines himself…has no one to resist, and returns to his best behavior.” The tools to meet this aim are using positive factors to the near-exclusion of negative force. What is well received in a child: “leave this room, now!” Or “would you please step out of the room?” One uses force and one is full of pleasantness. 

Munk acknowledges this positive formulation of our talk will not work on all students, but encourages us to question why it *does* work for the others. Perhaps the teacher’s success is only because the other students have fear or intrinsic self-discipline. The point is to not question what is “wrong” with the problem student, but question what *your own* moral failings and lack of influence stems from. Always work on yourself first. If you can only lead using punishment, you have not won the child’s heart. Munk says, “Children taught to pray by a rod-wielder will probably stop praying once he is absent. Or the most they will deliver is a babble….devoid of any intent.” 

I wish I could just put down the rest of the chapter here, as there is so much rich content. However, I’ll note the takeaway: “The disciplined child is not always the most virtuous, neither is the unrestrained child necessarily ‘bad.’ Often has it happened that people of whom great things were expected proved disappointing, while ‘troublemakers’ matured into successful and important people.”

We are given a rule: as long as we do not know the true source of a child’s character traits, we will not be sure of a child’s weakness. Until we know what the root of the weakness is, we cannot help the child. Approaching a problem with an incorrect premise of a child will only compound our troubles with him.

“What then, is the right approach to discipline?” Asks Munk. The job of the teacher when teaching Torah is to use the fear of God and love. To teach to the heart. To refrain from ruining the sweetness of God’s word by implementing too much strictness. After all, strictness creates a need for more strictness. Not that we need to swing to being too soft either. There is a balance. The teacher needs to hold to the tool of pushing away (punishment) and the tool of closeness, using both of them carefully to create maximum growth in his students.

Shlomo Wolbe is quoted to say, “When punishment does become necessary, bear in mind that the rod King Solomon speaks of (‘He who spares his rod hates his son…’) is to be understood in a broad sense. It includes many things, such as a frown and pretend disappointment. As implied by the word ‘musar’ [chastening/correction] at the end of the verse, the true discipline is the kind which touches the youngster’s heart.”

At the end of the chapter, Munk sums up 6 rules:

1. Strictness is negative
2. We should strive for the child to be strict with himself
3. Strictness is best minimized
4. The educator much teach the sanctity and affection which produce the fear and service of God
5. Quiet, patient explanation is the only way to teach
6. The “Rod of Pleasantness” is preferred to the “Rod of Severity”